If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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