Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
