I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
