I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
