I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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