one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize