It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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