my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
