In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
