I accidentally had phone sex last night
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
