Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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