I have demons in me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
