can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
