It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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