My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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