my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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