I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
