Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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