i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
