I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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