Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
