just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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