I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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