she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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