you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
