Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I did not marry a roomba.
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