I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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