After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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