every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
