i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
