my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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