I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
