I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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