Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
