tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
