Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
