I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
