I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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