he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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