I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Is that why you're texting me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do