do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
