I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
