My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
