so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
