How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
