im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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