I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
