Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
BRING THE BAGELS