Texts From Last Night

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.

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  (301): All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order. http://tfl.nu/n0bh
  Replies (12) Good night (979) Bad night (3760)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (14787) Bad night (4003)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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  (248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit
  Replies (19) Good night (5276) Bad night (1240)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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  (708): I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza http://tfl.nu/44q3
  Replies (24) Good night (6700) Bad night (1627)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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  (540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her. http://tfl.nu/1bms
  Replies (13) Good night (4923) Bad night (1535)
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  (916): View more from California

  day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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  (916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j
  Replies (10) Good night (6209) Bad night (1255)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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  (920): I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips http://tfl.nu/g3ng
  Replies (6) Good night (3135) Bad night (1122)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby

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  (573): Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby http://tfl.nu/0mu9
  Replies (7) Good night (2721) Bad night (1113)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  This theraflu would make for a great margarita.

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  I can make a sudafedarita

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  (757): This theraflu would make for a great margarita. (1-757): I can make a sudafedarita http://tfl.nu/10lx
  Replies (5) Good night (1732) Bad night (838)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits

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  (506): there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits http://tfl.nu/dkmo
  Replies (4) Good night (736) Bad night (1211)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.

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  (313): Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers. http://tfl.nu/6tbn
  Replies (2) Good night (449) Bad night (854)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Just trying to get my dicks in a row.

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  (928): Just trying to get my dicks in a row. http://tfl.nu/3g9d
  Replies (2) Good night (847) Bad night (382)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"

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  (716): As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on" http://tfl.nu/an67
  Replies (5) Good night (486) Bad night (775)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.

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  (314): I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best. http://tfl.nu/05vy
  Replies (1) Good night (608) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.

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  (919): The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling. http://tfl.nu/ws33
  Replies (1) Good night (402) Bad night (599)

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