Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
