No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize