Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
