How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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