i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
