i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
