I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
