Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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