Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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