My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
