my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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