you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
