What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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